I have always had this idea that if you have any sort of emotion that is difficult, empowering or just damn confusing then writing it helps you to put the peices together and allows some sort of conclusion to arise; either for clarity or peice of mind – in which by the time I have put the pen down I am sure I will have neither.
There have been times I have found great solace in putting together- through expression – a way that I can attempt to lay down before me, a developed idea… or a reasoning on what is going on in my mind.
This often results in a splatter of words that I could otherwise not find, nor know were actually hidden in grey areas.
As a result the pages become locked or crumpled up and burried for incineration; for closure… or just to save another from reading the very things that intwine my thoughts.
From fear of reprive of opinion; or the exposure of my own.
So, where do I start?
And is this something so pressing that I need to share? Or just for my own sake of understanding of the conflicting burden i feel that I later burn the paper before eyes can see to save from ever knowing?
I am torn and in fear.
Fear of the tearing down of my own values and fear that I am falling beyond my grasp of control.
Part of me wishes I could go back and stop myself from putting one foot over the edge; into the unknown and falling into a depth then unpercieved not knowing where I would land.
Or how I would land; nor the inpact when I did.
Then there is the part of me that knew all along and still would have jumped anyway despite the repercussions.
Yet, I am still on the edge; and somehow still falling. As though I were in a dream hoping I would wake before the fearful impact.
Wherever I land, however long I remain suspended between the falling and landing; the consequences plague me.
Knowing that it would haunt me from the minute I chose; not wishing to end yet I knew the choice beckoned to despise you… as much as I try to protect from the fall.
I only despise myself for stepping off the ledge knowing I would……….
What is gain without loss? For already I have gained enough to know how much it hurts.