As I was talking to a young man as I am going through depression he stood before me and cursed my name, yet somehow made me laugh. It made me question why I find dark humour appropriately funny yet can’t even have the stomach to face my own worst enemy of myself.
This year I have been homeless, fatherless, somewhat friendless jobless and I am unsure of what direction to take.
Previously I ran a mental health project on the value of social connectivity, particularly in community inclusion regarding mental health. And yet I would much rather find my own sense of self through isolation and still continuing to reach out to others despite my own flaws and hurt.
Recently I have been made to feel like a liar, a bitch and a ‘psycho’ and am laughed at for the sake of speaking up.
My father did the 22 push up challenge for our soldiers in which he served the forces himself in the 80’s and yet most days I struggle to get off my lazy arse and remember that my children are the ones I fight for and try my hardest to be a good mum for every day.
My greatest supports have been through online mediums to the point it has landed me in a bigger darkness of the rawest hurt. Where finding the line in self appreciation and self loathing has been a huge effort. Yet to find humour in such circles has made me value the role of us as humans so much more.
Do I simply exist or do I activate my inner advocate and risk everything I have worked believed and valued for the sake of dragging myself up through this mess?
However, in this I am greatful for the fact that these net works have spurred me through to knowing that in the greatest depth of darkness there is hope and a greater purpose in finding my feet again despite my failings.
And there is no such thing as anonyminity which as a ‘networker’ I have always understood. These past few weeks have shown me a huge kick in the guts for tackling some of the values I stand for and my own diminishing self esteem…
….a greater reason for me to bounce back and be grateful for the gift of life despite how much I take it for granted.
Yet I wonder if I will feel as determined tomorrow?
The fine line between depression and happiness that can be crumbled with one word.